Boozin’ Blog

Have you been to the liquor store lately? The holiday booze has definitely arrived.

The most noticeable of the lot are those spirits gift packs. They usually consist of a distiller’s most popular product and a couple of old fashioned glasses. Sometimes, especially with spirits like gin that are primarily mixed there will be a cocktail shaker or some other bartending implement. These are wrapped up in oversized packaging with, perhaps, a bow printed on the packaging.

I used to look at these silly things and wonder who would buy them. Clearly someone was spending money on them because every year they moved and every next year they returned. Actually, I even bought one once. It was well into January and the package was marked way down – cheaper than the regular bottle. I can’t remember what kind of whisky it was, just that it was whisky. I still use the old fashioned glasses, though. The gold print that branded them has long worn off but they are my favorite daily sipping glasses.

Anyway, back to who would buy these before they’re marked down. If there’s a boozer in my circle of friends or family who might appreciate the spirit there’s no way for me to guess if he would like those glasses. And as for the shaker; if someone wants a cocktail shaker he probably already has one.

Then I got a job in a corporate office. Employees never know what to buy their boss. They don’t want to spend too much – he might start thinking that they are overpaid – but they don’t want the gift to look too cheap. If they happen to know that he likes, say, Crown Royal they can all pitch in and get him the gift box. It’s big, garish, probably useless once the bottle’s empty, and perfect for the crap that goes down in most offices.

So, on behalf of office workers everywhere, thanks for making our office parties cheap and easy, booze-makers!

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If you have young kids, then this is their day. First, you have to strap them into the super hero or cartoon character costume that they excitedly picked out last weekend. Then you herd them out the door and into the street where you cautiously lead them from neighbor’s house to neighbor’s house and send them forth for candy - which you will pick through for razor blades and broken glass later at home. Or if you’re really anal you’ll load them into the minivan and head down to the local civic center or mall where every bit of fun and adventure of a kid’s Halloween has been stripped away for safety’s sake. Or if you’re extremely anal, then you’re heading off to church to pray for us sinners as we celebrate this satanic holiday.

But, if you’re a childless heathen like me, then you get to go have some real fun. Either you’re throwing a party or a friend has invited you to his. You get to go check out your boss’s trophy wife dressed in her slutty cheerleader costume or spend the night getting drunk and smoking cigars by a bonfire. My wife and I attend such a party each year. A friend of ours hosts it at her house in the country. It’s nice and big with plenty of places to crash for the night if the booze and merriment flow a little too freely to make the drive home reasonable.

BYOB is the standing rule for this party. One regular attendee and I always try to bring the hoppiest beer. Well, usually.  This year I’m bowing out of the contest. I’m bringing a split sixer of Founder’s Dirty Bastard Scotch Ale, the perfect bonfire-side, cigar puffing beer. Rich, chocolaty and caramelly with an 8.5% ABV that tastes way boozier than that giving the beer a strong backbone. I’m also bringing Avery’s IPA - not the hoppiest beer in town but a very nice ale. My wife, not being a fan of either of those beers, is bringing her usual six-pack of Woodchuck Pear Cider. She can drink that stuff like it’s water.

So those are our plans. What’s your Halloween tradition?

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Now, c’mon, this is funny!

The tag line, if you couldn’t quite make it out, is “Anything but sweet.” See, the point of that beer ad is to demonstrate that the new Raspberry Ale from Jamieson brewery in Australia isn’t as sweet as one might think, given that it’s a fruit beer. Naturally the best way to communicate that idea is to tart up one of the sweetest cartoon figures ever, Snow White.

Okay, so maybe that wasn’t the best way to do it but it’s damn funny anyway.

It didn’t take long for the ad campaign to to get some notice and, though Disney hasn’t commented on it yet, speculation is flying about the presumed impending lawsuit.

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Did you see the big ad buyout of Saturday Night Live this week? Anheuser-Busch Inbev bought up all of the national advertising on SNL to push their new Bud Light Golden Wheat.

The ads ranged from the standard look-at-this-lovely-glass-of-beer-now-go-buy-one tactic to little ad-skits that implied Bud Light Golden Wheat is the result of a giant bottle of Bud Light banging a shock of wheat in an elevator.

But the placement was most clever. The Tivo/DVD world of TV with which advertisers have been struggling with for years has left many stymied. Even something as allegedly funny as a bottle of beer boinking lady wheat isn’t going to keep most viewers from punching the skip ahead button. So, ABI did a smart thing. At each ad break they played one very short commercial for their new beer. Then they used the rest of the national ad air time to pull dress rehearsal blooper-type moments from SNL’s history. After the second ad most of us realized that the BLGW ad was too short to skip over and, being SNL fans, we just watched the ad then enjoyed the comedy.

So, where many of us never see an ad on TV anymore, we ended up watching half a dozen or so Bud Light Golden Wheat ads. Very clever, marketing folks.

But, like so many ABI products we wind up talking about the marketing and forgetting about the beer itself. Is it good? Is it interesting or creative? Not really. There’s nothing really wrong with it but its not that great either. If it weren’t for the marketing juggernaut put behind it, most of us who have tried it would forget about it completely.

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You probably remember a few months ago when every news organization on the planet was fooled for a day by a spoof report that blamed beer pong for the spread of STDs on college campuses. Well, this time it doesn’t seem like a joke.

The big worry now is swine flu – you know, that flu bug with a nasty name that is, therefore, more dangerous. It seems that after playing beer pong one weekend a handful of students caught the bug so the Rensselaer Polytechnic Institute is asking students to knock it off.

So what’s the answer? How can we keep the pong going but protect ourselves from the H1N1 virus?

How about a drop of hand sanitizer in each glass? Personally, I hate this stuff. I’d rather find the nearest bathroom if I feel I need a wash. But in little cups of beer could it be that bad? Yes, it probably could!

A personal drinking cup from which the receiving player would chug their beer whenever their opponent scored? I don’t know if the word elegant can really be applied to beer pong but this seems to be a perfectly inelegant solution.

Fortify the beer with shots of bourbon? Now we might be onto something. With most bourbon having 40% to 50% alcohol one can assume that it has at least the equivalent sanitizing power of Purell without the nasty aftertaste. And it would certainly make the game more interesting!

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Are you sick of this? Are you sick of doing a beer bong but wishing you could share the experience with your girlfriend? And two of her friends? And the guys they’re banging?

Well now you can! Thanks to Bongzilla! The answer to all of your multi-beer bonging problems. With just the flick of a…

To infomercially?

How about this:
Presenting the Bongzilla. The greatest party invention since pinning the tail on the donkey. Yes friends, with the bongzilla you are not only guaranteed to throw the greatest party in the history of your school, but you will most certainly get some from the hottest looking member of the opposite sex in attendance. Yes, you’ll wonder how you ever got on, before after using the bongzilla…

No, that’s too old-school sales-pitchy.

Okay, here’s what I’m all worked up about. This new product arrived in the Boozin’ Gear warehouse the other day and we’re all pretty excited about it.

As you can see from the picture, this ultimate beer bong features six hoses. What you can’t see is that each hose can be clamped shut which is pretty cool if you’re not into spilt beer. The cup is large enough for plenty of beer and the nearly six-foot pole can be lowered for easy refilling.

Now, try to tell me that you don’t want this at your next party! Grab yours here.

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For a few months, I lived in a small apartment in Kansas City. It was a quiet neighborhood not far from the business district. I worked in the suburbs and when I left for work in the morning, the air was heavy with the smell of coffee. This wasn’t your typical “cuppa Joe before I go” smell of morning coffee, this was a grab you by the lapel, throw 8 ounces of espresso in your face and slap you around a few times sort of smell. I liked it.

Eventually I learned that a big, corporate roaster was just a couple of blocks away - Folgers or someone like that. To this day when I pick up an especially strong whiff of coffee I get an immediate sense memory of those strange few months I spent in my little apartment in KC.

Here’s another: These days I don’t live too far from St. Louis, MO. Whenever I drive into the city, I pass the Anheuser-Busch Inbev brewery in I-55. Most times, I pass they are brewing and that wonderful smell of cooking malt fills the car. I don’t drink a lot of ABI product but I sure love the smell of their brewery. It’s a smell of place for me and anytime I pick up the scent, regardless of where I am, I think I’m driving past the brewery for just a moment.

I’m sure you have your own similar scent triggers.

So, I find this story particularly odd. The North British Distillery in Edinburgh, Scotland has reached an agreement with the environmental group Sepa to suppress its smell.

By all accounts, it’s a pleasant smell, not unlike the aroma of a brewery, I’d imagine, and the local city councilman doesn’t have any memory of complaints. In fact, it seems that the area has had the smell hanging around for well over a hundred years and the residents have come to associate it with home.

Nevertheless, the distillery is installing a special chimney designed kill the smell. There is no mention in the article of what specific environmental problems this will solve so the whole thing it just kind of puzzling.

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*Insert your own beer goggles joke here*

Let me start out by saying that I don’t know anything about the Horny Goat Brewing Company except that it is a brewery in Wisconsin and a really creative marketer works there. I had never heard of it before stumbling across this blog entry about the free condoms.

Naturally, I had to check out their website. It’s a slick-n-sexy tour of the brewery, the beers and a sign-up form for a newsletter and the free condom. Yes, I signed up; this is just the sort of thing one can’t turn down if for no other reason than the giggle factor.

One note, despite the wild, fun attitude the website communicates, the selection of beers is pretty tame - a light ale, a hoppy pale ale and a Belgian wit. Yup, a brewery with the goatiest marketing and branding that I’ve seen in a while doesn’t brew one bock.

Nevertheless, the site is great fun and, despite my beer geek misgivings, makes me want to visit the brewery and try their beers.

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What kind of Halloween person are you? Are you the type that shows up to your friend’s Halloween party in a polo shirt and khaki’s with the lame joke that you’re an accountant on casual Friday or are you the one that shows up dressed to the nines as a witch, cop, ghoul or whatever your fevered mind hatched?

This year why not celebrate your booziness? BoozinGear has plenty of great costumes from the classy/weird martini glass to the sexy tavern girl to the down right disturbing Frank the tank.

Any one of these would make you the hit of the party and there’s still plenty of time to order them and get them shipped to you before the end of October.

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No doubt by now you’ve seen the ads. They are oddly compelling with the Most Interesting Man in the World (MIMW) staring at the camera with an expression that is somewhere between intensity and boredom. After we are told some amusingly cryptic things about how interesting he is - he once had an akward moment just to see how it feels - he hits us with that tag line, “Stay thirsty, my friends.”

My first thought when I saw this ad was of those Chuck Norris jokes - There is no chin under Chuck Norris’ Beard. There is only another fist.

Looks like Chuck now has some competition.

At Dos Equis’s website you can play a few games and get to know as much about the MIMW as he will allow you. There is also an online university dedicated to developing your nascent interestingness. Should you join? That’s up to you; I hear that they are considering using Chuck Norris’s beard as their mascot.

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